YOU  HAVE  ASKED --

How much do I tell?

I am a 42 year old gay women who is married to another woman of a happy 13 years.  I am thinking of joining the catholic church.  I think before I can start going to Catholic doctrine classes, I have to fill out a paper giving information on any person I have had a vow with in the past.  I was married to a man for 1 year when I was young, got a divorce because he had a nervous breakdown, threatened my life and my parents, then he died 5 years later.  Anyway, do you think I have to tell the parish of my current marriage with my wife and our relationship or do you think it would be okay to just list my former marriage with my husband.  I have always believed that my marriage with my wife is blessed and not a sin and has given us much happiness and fulfillment in our lives. 

Thank you for responding. 
Kathy from Alaska

Dear Kathy,

I am glad to hear that you are interested in becoming Catholic.  It is a religion with a rich history and tradition.  It emphasizes community and sacrament.  It could be a good faith home for you.

About your commitment:  I think I would check it out first, to see how open your priest/parish is to LGBT persons.  The Catholic Church has an official strict sexual ethic.  Many theologians are very pastoral in their approach and some are developing sexual ethics that are open to gay and lesbian relationships.  But the official stance is pretty condemnatory.  You may want to be a bit cautious. I would not want you to be hurt by this.  I am involved with gay and lesbian ministry in the Catholic Church and we have to walk a fine line. One good thing about being Catholic is that we also have strong social justice teachings--very affirming of the dignity of the person.  And good teaching about individual conscience as well.

I hope you can integrate your spirituality and sexuality and be out and open and receive affirmation about your deep and loving commitment. 

-- Mary

Can I Be Catholic?

I am a 49 year old lesbian, in a stable relationship.  I am also undergoing Catechism.  The church were I am going does not have a problem with my lifestyle as long as I am celibate.

Can I in good faith become a Catholic?  My heart says yes.  However, what is the church going to do about it?

I have looked for a spiritual home for most of my life.  I searched in more countries and types of religions than I can remember, and the only place I feel spiritually at home is at Mass.

Thanks
Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,

 I understand your concern.  The Church's teaching on sexual morality is that the purpose of sexual intercourse is for the procreation of children in marriage.  This is a teaching from the wisdom of the community of the Church.  The Church bases its teaching on four sources:  scripture, tradition, the findings of science (biology and psychology) and human experience.  It is the interaction of all four of these sources coming together that gives the Church insight to provide guidance for its members. 

 When the individual Catholic considers what is moral for herself, she uses the same four sources. An informed conscience listens to the Church and also the voice of God in herself and from her experience and she takes into consideration new insights from science as well. 

 For the Church as well as for the individual, this is not an easy, simple task, since some times the four sources are not in sync with each other. 

 However, all moral teaching is to promote human flourishing.  The main question about your relationship with your partner is:  Is this relationship blessed?  Is it a blessing?  Does it reflect the love of God?  Does it lead to human growth and happiness? 

 And for something to be sinful, the person has to know it is a sin, and give full consent to it as sinful. 

 So, it is important for someone to listen to the voice of conscience and weigh all the information and make her decision before God.  In the end, your conscience must be your guide.

--Mary

Concerned About His Soul

I am concerned about my soul. I love my partner and I can’t help the way that I feel.

A nun from the Catholic church I go to told me that God doesn’t like that. She said I should find love in a woman.

I don’t want to break my partner’s heart and I don’t want to defy God. Can you help me?  Please e-mail me back....  Thank you.

-- Rogelio

Rogelio,

God would not have made you gay if God didn't want you to be gay.

Whoever tells you that God doesn’t like it is just wrong.  That nun does not understand you or God. 

I have been in love with my partner for 26 years.  I love God all the more because of the love I have with him. 

Don't be afraid.  Be proud.  Love your partner.  Thank God for giving him to you.  God loves you both.

Read what ‘Father D’ says to ‘J’ (below) about the same thing.

Sincerely,

Your brother,

Jerry

Difficult to Participate in the Church

I am a Gay Catholic who goes to Mass and communion frequently.  However, I am in a relationship with another man.  When I go to confession I tell the priest about my relationship.  There were times when a priest refused to give me absolution, but most of the time the priests are not condemning and tell me to continue to partake in the sacraments. Who is right? I was once told that I was in mortal sin.  I am confused!

I live in the NYC area and would like to know where I can go to confession as a gay person. I want to continue to participate in the church, but it gets more and more difficult when pamphlets are given out to parishioners advising them to write to their lawmakers to discourage them from passing any laws that protect gay relationships. 

I would appreciate some advice.

-- J

Dear J,

The day before my ordination as a Roman Catholic priest I had to take an exam to determine whether I could hear confessions or not. If I failed I would not be allowed to hear confessions until I passed another exam!

I went before a board of three priest moral theologians, formally dressed in black. The format was that they pretended to be in a confessional situation with me. The first "case" I was presented with was: "Father I am a married woman with 6 children, I am on the pill and is it ok for me to go to communion or do I have to stop first. Otherwise I am a good Catholic and love the Church and the sacraments."

I decided to take a risk and respond as I would in the real world. I told the "woman" that if she had prayed and thought carefully about it, even knowing the churches teaching on this matter, she could go on taking the pill and be a Catholic in good faith. Thus I told her that she did not have to go on confessing her "sin" of taking the contraceptive pill every week. She could forget about this matter and see herself as a Catholic in good standing, which includes receiving the sacraments.

Even a conservative priest ought to say as much to you. 

I believe that you are morally in a similar situation as this woman.  You can and indeed should make up your own mind as an adult Catholic about where you stand on the issue of your being gay and in a relationship with a man. Once you have done this, then Catholic teaching requires you to live from your conscience. This holds whatever the Church may say or teach about gay relationships. So if you, in conscience, decide that God is calling you to this relationship you do not need to confess it as a sin, because in these circumstances, even traditional theology does not see it as a sin.

Obviously I cannot tell you what you ought to believe in your own conscience. You have to come to this determination on your own, after prayer, consultation, reflection, understanding what the church actually teaches and taking it seriously. It sounds as if you have already done much of this. Perhaps you have really already decided where you stand in your own conscience.

My own belief is that as a gay man it would be normal for you to find God in a gay relationship, unless you happened to be called to celibacy. And from what you share, that does not seem to be the case!

Obviously all this is for you to discern with God. However seen in this light such a gay relationship is a blessing from God and not a curse, a place of grace rather than an occasion of sin. Of course like the rest of humankind you continue to  sin in the area of your sexuality, but  seen this way, the sin  is not in being gay or being in a gay relationship but rather in the ways  you live and act within your given sexuality. Indeed not accepting the gift of being gay might be seen as a possible sin.

I encourage you (and your partner if he is interested and open to this) to seek out a Catholic parish or community where you are accepted and welcomed exactly as you are. For the good of your spiritual life only go to those priests who affirm you and your relationship. 

I know that there are parishes in the New York region that are actively welcoming of gay Catholics and their partners. Being part of such a community might give you the space to live out in healthy ways both your Catholic faith and your sexual identity. As you say in your letter this is no easy feat!  There are also Catholic gay groups such as Dignity which you might want to explore.  

I promise to pray for you in the important exploration you are undertaking. And I will be happy to get back to you if you have further questions or if you want to talk with me via e-mail or on the phone about this matter.

By the way, I did pass my exam and I can hear confessions!

--- Father D.

[Ed. Note: “Father D” would be happy to give his full name. As Editor, I won’t let him.  In today’s Church, doing so is likely to cause him too much harm.]

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